My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
