I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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