Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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