well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
