I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
