The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
