SEEEEXXX PLEASE
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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