she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
