He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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