Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
