Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
