you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
