Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
