My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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