Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
