If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
