my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
why is half of my head shaved?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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