I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
