Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
