Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
