I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
