I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
