i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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