weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
