hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
