Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
