you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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