Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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