This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Everyone says I win the strip club
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
