He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
