Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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