I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
