and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
