I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
