i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
