I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
