wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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