You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Randomize
