Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
