i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
