he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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