Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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