so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
