Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
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