did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
...so i touched it.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
