i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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