We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Randomize
