This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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