I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
