YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
