Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
